Snakes and Ladders

Inspiration comes in bursts, it doesn’t always last for long, but just long enough for me to re-energise and re-focus. It’s the kind of inspiration that makes you start a new project or maybe even just go for a walk or do some gardening. The feeling stays for as long as required, then it disappears… for how long? I never know.

I have always struggled with turning any of my passions into a career, because for me, being a creative isn’t a fulltime job. I worry that I won’t find inspiration when I need it, to ensure that I can survive. My last drought went on for over a year, but I needed that break to reset and realign what it was that I actually wanted. I went off track, strayed away from my heart. Should I have forced my creativity out? Did I have to stay dormant for so long?

I want to live a creative life, but at the moment I feel like I am living two lives. Working in an environment that is the complete opposite of everything that I am, but unable take the leap into the world where I know I belong because I am not at a stage where I can financially support myself and the life I like to live. So I compromise and remind myself that this is only temporary and that I am in the exact place I need to be.

But some days it’s just so exhausting and I spend days at a time sleeping, not rising from my bed or communicating with the outside world. Sounds like depression you might say, and you are probably right. But if succumbing to this temporary hibernation is what it takes to get through these phases, then that’s what I’ll do. I know they don’t last forever and that I’ll wake up one morning and continue with my normal routine. But if you’ve been in the same state as this, you’ll know there just isn’t a damn thing that’s going to bring you out until you’re ready.

It’s hard to admit you’re not happy when you have everything you’ve been asking for. I have manifested everything in my life and I continue to do so. Everything I desire, I receive. These days I’ve learnt patience and precision when it comes to placing my orders with the universe. I hate sounding so ungrateful, because everyday I am. But sometimes even the most radiant lose their glow and it’s about acknowledging and accepting ourselves for the darkness as well as the light.

Take time out from the world, give yourself a day where you don’t speak to anyone. If you can’t hide, put yourself on autopilot and just stop expecting so much of yourself, everyday. It’s not possible to be your best self all of the time, but if you learn your patterns you can control your lows without returning them permanently.

There is a reoccurring theme of being stuck between two worlds. The world where I live out my dreams and earn money from creating things and the world where I work for money, day in, day out. I pay my bills and not much else happens. The latter is a nightmare and I’m worried I’ll never wake up. So why do I keep living in this world? Why don’t I just take a leap of faith and throw it all in to chase my dream? Be bold for once!

So why don’t I?

Because, patience.

If life has taught me anything, it is that there is always time. Your wishes aren’t going to manifest overnight. If you take the cake out of the oven before it’s cooked you can’t enjoy it. You’ll have your cake, but you won’t be able to eat it, so where is the damn sense in that?

I’ve learned that good things take time and any successful person will tell you that. They will also tell you that their climb to the top wasn’t easy and there were probably a few falls or setbacks along the way. More or less like a game of Snakes and Ladders.

It’s easy for me to say these words and reassure myself that what I’m doing will be worth it and that all of my hard work will pay off, just because I don’t have the answers or the outcome now doesn’t mean that I won’t. So why do I keep tormenting myself with this fantasy idea? The higher your climb, the harder you fall right? What if I fall and I can’t get back up again? What if one day it just all gets too much and I decide that I’ve had enough, what is going to guarantee that I pick myself up and dust myself off for the one hundredth time?

They will. The ones I am ultimately doing this for, my loved ones. I can tell myself this is all for me, but I know I’m not that selfish. When the days are long and nothing seems to be moving forward, it’s always them that I think of that picks me right back up again. To harden up, realise that there is no reward worthy without struggle and remind myself that I’m not the only one that’s going to benefit from my success, this life I am building isn’t just for me, it’s for my family, my parents, my partner, our future children. When you realise that your life isn’t just about you anymore. One would think this would add more pressure, but it doesn’t, the pressure only builds when you think you are failing yourself, and that’s all in your head. Of course you will fail, but those around you aren’t going to make you feel bad for that, they will be the ones telling you to try again, to take a break, to relax and know that everything will be fine, just keep moving forward. When you know you have so much to achieve and such a fulfilling life to lead and that you can help those closest to you live their lives to the full as well, it can only motivate you to keep going.

So who are you doing this for?